Ok... So I need to write about this, I feel its part of the process of letting go. I am obviously not going to name names... but last night I fell in contact with an old, old crush. Back in the day we were young...teenagers. We actually met off the internet, but quickly learned about each other and we had mutual friends. It was more than just an internet connection. I had talked with this guy for hours on end....every night. Years after we had been talking, we decided to meet. He didn't live too far from my cousin's, so when I took a trip to their house, I met this guy, (lets call him Big C) and we instantly clicked. I had the biggest crush on him, and really it more than physical...he had me mentally wrapped around him. He was such the smooth talker... knew the right things to say... But also wasn't afraid to say what he was feeling. We could be around each other and not feel like either of us was going to judge the other. We were able to be ourselves. And at this point in our life... it was important, because everyone was constantly being judged. I can say that we didn't have an instant romance, but a connection was def there...
Time passes... we live in different states... he has a girlfriend, and I had gotten a boyfriend... more time passes... and I get married. I tell him, thinking he is going to be super excited for me, just because of the relationship that we had. But since the moment I told him I was engaged... our relationship changed. For the worse. He was jealous. He thought I was too young, and shouldn't do this...said I should wait.. blah blah. Said I always jumped the gun on the whole "love" word, and I needed to take it more seriously. I talked to him less and less... More time passes and he gets married. We talk every once in a great blue moon... but its just a, "hey, hope things are good for you" type of conversation.
Last night was the first time we have talked in I would have to say a couple years. I often think of him, and really do hope that he is doing well. I miss him, but know that there is nothing that I can do for that relationship any longer. Lastnight I have his undivided attention. This used to be a really hard thing to get, so I decided to take advantage of it, and just let him know, and understand how I really feel about him. But before I could get the conversation going... he tells me that he needs to have this conversation with me, and that its important for us to have this conversation so we could both move on... more or less in peace. I was wondering if it was the same conversation that I wanted to have with him...
He starts off by reminding me of the exact place that we first met. Tells me that he was "diggin" my style...and was pretty satisfied with the company I provided. Tells me that when he saw me, he KNEW it was me, it just "felt right". Previous conversations that we had, had been pretty deep, and he was one of the only ones, that really, really knew me. More than any of my girlfriends at the time. So anyway, This was a really short visit...we go our separate ways, time passes, we still talk on the phone every night... I go to Southern NY, and pick him up on my way down...just so we could spend some time together. BUT... This was going to be a friends trip... because at this point, we were both with someone. He always respected that I was with someone else, and was never, ever pushy on anything. He tells me that during this trip he felt he was in this real big dillema...said he just looked at me and was like, what the f**kkkkkk...he didn't want to leave, and the feeling of wanting more time together was mutual.... but time had restrictions on us, and we were taking him home. Said he really liked being with me...he couldn't understand why he kept thinking of me.... because we never physically did anything more than a kiss on the cheek and a hug... He KNEW nothing was going to happen because I had a man...but said he really felt like he needed to be with me.
Last night I ended up telling him that he had my heart. He had me emotionally and mentally...and not that anything could be done about my feeling now, but that I needed to tell him to have some kind of closure. He tells me, "If it means anything to you, you had me too".
He said my feelings were not a waste, and I wasn't alone, he had the same feelings I did. and they were real, and deep.
I told him that if had just said something to me, told me he wanted to be with me, I would have left the guy I was with for him. My feelings were that serious. But I never said anything to let him know this, because I almost spilled my guts to him early in our friendship, and almost lost him because I moved too fast. And I wasn't sure how he would really think if I told him I had these kind of feelings, and we just have this relationship over the internet. It sounded dumb, even though I know it was more than the internet at this point.
At the end of the conversation... He tells me, "alright love you... get some shut eye will ya?" (This was 2 hours before I had to get up for work this morning) He NEVER said the word love like that. Ever. He was a firm believer that no one should even mention it unless they were sure.
So... I know I wrote a book... but now I sit here... in tears... I wanted to be with him SO bad back when I first graduated highschool... and I was too apprehensive about pushing him away that i never said anything... Now we both really have separate lives... separate families...and there isn't any turning back. Not not way, not no how.
My heart just sits here and cracks....and it hurts.
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